I don’t know what I’m going to name this yet, but I’m hoping I’ll find out soon at the end of this post.
I didn’t plan on writing this, I actually didn’t even plan on opening the WordPress App this evening and certainly not opening my heart to it.
It’s weird when you decide you’ll openly start writing your personal and most intimate thoughts online for the whole world to see but maybe it would be easier for me, a few years back, if I knew what I know now and hopefully I can help a broken-heart somewhere and somehow.
They say time heals almost everything, but what they don’t tell you is that the almost part is usually what you want to have the most healing – specially around Spring.
Spring is a beautiful analogy for love. And apparently there’s a bug going around because all – and I mean all – of my friends caught it. They now walk on pairs and can only talk about each other and their never-ending happy and fulfilled lives.
All I could see is how my friends suddenly forgot to call me or stopped dragging my exhausted head off my anatomy books to maintain my sanity (well, what’s left of it), how they stopped sharing and chasing their dreams and plans because they suddenly got morphed into a two-headed beast and every plan we would make always end up involving their newly appendix.
I thought they were brainwashed or something and their happiness suddenly turned into my unhappiness. I was suddenly getting this feeling of loneliness or emptiness inside.
I’m usually described as an ice-cold human-being and usually I do not mind at all being single. I’m busy working on my dream to become a veterinarian and I actually enjoy being able to grow my leg hairs or don’t wash my hair for 5 days if I want to.
I’m a third-wheeler and this is my confession: Dear friends, I love you so very much and I wish all the happiness in the world for you. I genuinely wish that your relationship with this new human-being lasts until your last breath here on Earth. You might think I probably hate your new soulmate or am just jealous but truthfully I simply have a broken-heart. I had the same old shredded heart for 3 years now.
You might be 14, 30 or 65 years old – no matter your age – one day you’ll meet a certain someone, and that will be the love of your life. Unfortunately, we won’t always end up staying with them forever. I didn’t.
So here I am, yours truly, the third wheeler. The one who will witness you finding your soulmate and fall in love in a way that is so intense that your body will actually change.
andSomeone once told me that memories are both a curse and a blessing, when I watch you my memories take over me and it crushes my already weak little and surprisingly still beating heart. So I just fold myself and hide it with passive-agressiveness, a lot of sarcasm and fake smiles. Not because I don’t want you to be happy, I do and I would give my life for you to accomplish that, but because I’m hurting and need time to process it. Eventually I’ll find a new balance and everything will be back on our normal selves.
I know some of you think there’s no such think as soulmates and maybe it’s because you haven’t found the one that is meant for you yet or you are masking your pain with passive-agressiveness and a lot of sarcasm too.
One day I might move on but for now…
… I’m just a third-wheeler.